Coffin Corner: Eureka! Oh… damn.

Last night, I had a tragic Eureka moment. Something popped into my head, right before it hit the pillow, quickly shared it with my wife, thought okay, I will write about this tomorrow and hit the sack. But then I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t get rid of it. It just hung there, a terrible thought, a stressful idea. So here we are. This is how I write at 4 o’clock in the morning. Not great so far, I have to admit.

At the beginning of this season, I wrote about LaGarrette Blount being a 1,000-yard rusher because of the offensive design and Marty Bennett and I thought that was a hot take. At the time, it seemed to be. The truth is, it was just right. And I worry that what you’re about to read, might be just right as well, which terrifies me. That is why I’m up writing this as my mutt Beagle, Wally, snores by my side. This idea, this ear worm, this feeling is so powerful that it is literally keeping me up at night.

I haven’t heard any real mention of it. Nothing on Twitter. No recent articles. Somehow even Shannon Sharpe and Skip Bayless haven’t stumbled upon it in their daily word jumble. Forget idea, ear worm, feeling or take, what you’re about to read is a theory, a theory so mind-erasingly simple you will wonder how Tomato Can Shaughnessy hasn’t made it into an annual column. You will wish you’d never heard this simple theory (no real conspiracy to it, sorry, Roger), but it will stalk you like the STD in “It Follows” and you will feel obligated for your own sanity to make nice with the next person you see, in order to pass it along and keep this awful, terrible theory at bay. But it’s coming.

WARNING: This theory may cause chest pain, migraines, anxiety. In rare cases, this theory may lead you to question everything you hold dear. 100% of recipients report unexplained loss of vision, hearing, and speech due to the alcohol consumed as a result of this theory. “No, you’re an alchawlic, you ever think about that?! Huh? You crazy rabbit,” will become your goto phrase to wife and children alike after every Patriots game as a result of this theory.

All right, enough of the build-up, here it is: I think we’re more than halfway through the last season of the Hoodie. There I’ve said it. I think 2016-2017 season will be Belichick’s last.

Everyone has been saying that Brady retires first and that just never seemed right to me at all. Brady’s told us, he never wants to retire, Belichick has said the opposite.

The reason why I can’t get rid of it is this is exactly how it will happen: amidst another AFC East coronation, a march into the playoffs (and hopefully through them) and then that’s it. He’ll Keyser Soze and just limp away. There will be no fanfare. He will not announce it; he will not do a self-aggrandizing tour; he will not sit down with Collinsworth or Phil Simms. He won’t explain himself, he will just leave.

For all the accusations of his arrogance, Hoodie is a humble guy who views himself as a football coach and nothing more. He sends appreciative letters to friends and former professors, how humble is that? Snail mail. Great Grandparents don’t do that. In fact, I bet he will do nothing more than issue a friendly letter at the end of the season thanking the Patriots players, the organization, the Krafts and the fans. Class, quiet, humble. He will retire from the public eye with the same energy that he devotes to questions of Tom Brady’s ability.

The thought occurred to me after looking at Jamie Collins’ latest Instagram grenade lob, saying he’s happier in a young locker room on a miserable team than he was in the confines of 1 Patriot Place where nothing is more important than winning and doing your job. The players have changed and so has he.

Remember when Tom Coughlin realized he didn’t understand the mindset of his players and capitulated by trying to become a “new wave” coach. He listened to his players, he summoned the courage to admit he might not always be right and he still turned beet red in the cold. He left the job two seasons later, the game having passed him by. Bill Belichick is never doing that. Like his personnel decisions, Belichick will walk away two years early, rather than one year late, he will be 65 this spring. The perfect time to pull back and enjoy the fruits of his labor. Hit Narragansett Bay on a Sunday. Or watch his daughter’s Lacrosse team. Basically be the exact opposite of Bill Murray.

He’s tired of it all. Tired of the league trying to keep up with his otherworldly ability to adapt to an ever-changing set of rules, not realizing that their changes give him more ammo. Tired of the league’s marketing department forcing him to use technology he doesn’t need or understand, or wear pink and camouflaged clothes that they can sell for “charity”. Tired of the media scrutiny on private letters or advice he gives to young circus creating players. Tired of Goodell’s leering eye looking for the next untied shoelace to take away his entire draft. We can all agree that something’s been different this year. He’s been less guarded, more forthright, more playful with the media even.

My reasons for believing this are multilayered, but primarily I think this team is built for a young coach to take over and be in a position to succeed immediately. Something Bill Belichick would take great pride in. Remember how he reacted when Parcells tried to bequeath the Jets to him, his fingerprints still warm on the team’s corpse of an 8-8 season. Belichick wanted no part of it. Even resented it. Writing his resignation on a cocktail napkin. He wanted to draw his own path and the 2017 Patriots will be a well-built skeleton for the heir, but the next leader will have as many good options as a young coach could want.

Draft picks abound (he’s replaced the picks that were lost in Deflategate), the cap commitment for next season is a league best $60-70 Million dollars below the projected cap, he will leave with the Greatest Football Player of All Time at the helm as two young potential studs lay in wait. The entire offensive line is signed through 2017. He rid the team of several costly free agents for future picks to ensure that they will have the opportunity bring Butler, Hightower, Bennett back for more. That is of course if the next boss chooses. Unlike Parcells, he’s not thumbing the scale. Hoodie is always aware of his place in NFL history and the idea of leaving a team stretched with expensive cap holds, a dearth of draft picks and aging talent would pain him.

Like Parcells and his father, Bill Belichick is a mentor of football minds whether it’s scouting, personnel or gameplanning. He gives his coaches and players the tools and opportunity to succeed. He has two acolytes who will be head coaches next season in Josh McDaniels and Matt Patricia. We’ve already heard both seeming to stake their claim to the helm when Belichick moves out. At Pats Propaganda, we’d gotten some intel in the preseason that the Krafts were putting together a potential succession plan with one of them. We never assumed it was for this season, though. The recent news regarding Josh McDaniels place on the head coaching buzz list seems to lend some credence to this awful, terrible, no good, very bad theory.

So Coach, let me be the first to thank you for your time in Foxboro. You’ve made this the greatest team in any team sport and we’re indebted. Whether or not I’m right, I will watch each Patriots game cherishing every last snap, just in case. I feel like shit after arriving at this theory and that should be all the compliment you need.

I hope I’m wrong, but at some point it’s happening and we’ll never see it coming. Ugh. Miss Misery is now my theme song.

Love you, Coach.

P.S. If I’m wrong and there’s a high likelihood that I am, I will be elated. And as penance for writing such a dumb hot take, I will promise to wear my half-sleeved hoodie to work everyday for the first month of next season.

P.P.S. If Coach Belichick would like me to take this post down to avoid his impending retirement becoming a distraction, I’m more than happy to take his phone call, he can DM me @jsconway. However if I do not hear from you, I will take it as a personal confirmation that you are indeed retiring proudly because it is a well known fact that Mr. Belichick reads Pats Propaganda between film sessions.