This Coffin Corner is to honor the two-year anniversary of Roger Goodell’s verdict (5/11/15) as it related to Ted Wells propaganda-for-hire report. And to celebrate the fact that with the ’17 draft in the books, Deflategate’s “punishment” is too. The reason I put punishment in quotes is because it really has been nothing but gravy since the Sheriff shot his six-shooter til it was spent. Today, we will look back and laugh at what horseshit they put us all through and thank the people… er… the person that’s responsible.
As of today, the New England Patriots sit on the precipice of the 2017 season, fully loaded with a real chance to repeat. I want to take a moment to thank the architect of this latest iteration of the greatest modern sports dynasty. No, not Robert or Jonathan Kraft, or Bill Belichick, or even Ernie Adams, there’s a man whose responsibility has gone unsung in these parts. Because two years after he tried to cripple Bill Belichick, the Krafts and Tom Brady, the New England Patriots are now loaded with talent on both sides of the ball. Patient Zero of HPV (not the STD that causes cervical cancer, though I am not sure how Hate Patriots Virus is transmitted, so maybe it is an STD). I digress, it’s you, Rog. Thank you, Roger Goodell. Okay, let me explain…
Species evolve because predators exist. Either they adapt to the threat or they die. Antibodies do the same thing. They evolve to fight off infections. This is the very tenet that the Patriots success has been built on. “Do your job”, “No Days Off”, “Next Man Up”, “Drive for Five (ugh)” all fit into the “The Patriot Way,” which is really about finding solutions to changing circumstances. The New England Patriots evolve, they adapt, and Ernie Adams, the one-man think tank, sits in a basement buried beneath the volcano under Gillette Stadium and uncovers solutions to problems that don’t even exist yet. I’m 99% sure Ernie’s solved one the great mysteries of our time:
INT. ONE PATRIOT PLACE – BASEMENT BELOW THE OTHER BASEMENTS BELOW A VOLCANO – NIGHT
OPEN ON: A chalkboard full of equations: linear algebra, three-dimensional calculus, thermodynamics, “Good Will Hunting” style stuff – in the back of a darkened, basement room.
A MAN’S VOICE (O.S.)
I’ve done it!
REVEAL A BESPECTACLED MAN, pants pulled over his belly button, his collared shirt plastered with bloody pink PIG INTESTINES. This is the mad scientist, ERNIE ADAMS.
ERNIE
(to himself)
It’s so obvious. How did I not see it before?
A MAN’S VOICE (O.S.)
(clears his throat)
It’s nearly four AM.
ERNIE
Sorry, did I wake you?
Two eyes peer out of a hooded sweatshirt, we’ll call this mysterious man, HOODIE.
HOODIE
(clears his throat again, then scoffs)
I haven’t slept in 65 years. I was just watching
the ’63 Army-Navy game, I’d forgotten how they
deployed their left tackle as a—
(sniffs)
What the hell is that smell?
Ernie reacts a little embarrassed. Tries to explain.
ERNIE
If you smear the blood into Pink Stripes down
your shirt, the Infected will think you’re one
of them. It’s genius–
HOODIE
(clears throat again, get this guy a lozenge)
Just get me the scouting report on Jacksonville like
I asked.
(then)
And clean this up, if Tom sees animal blood, he’ll faint.
As Hoodie exits the room –
ERNIE
(ominous)
You’ll thank me when the virus comes —
Most writers get it wrong, it’s not zigging when others zag and it’s not 3-D chess. It’s identifying the obstacle or potential obstacle that stands in your way and finding a way to exploit it for maximum gain. For all the media portrayals of Belichick as the Dowager Countess, he is the most “glass is half full” coach in sports. You see a blitzing cornerback, he sees a 6 foot window for an in route. The cliché is taking lemons and making lemonade, but Bill Belichick has taken the league office’s micturition (the rule changes, the suspensions, the lost draft picks) and evolved it into a 12-year oak barrel single malt scotch whiskey. And hmm-mmm, it goes down so smooth.
Over the last 20 years, no other virus has infected opposing owners quite like HPV because of the Patriots’ success. The whisper campaign about cheating began soon after the dynasty was established in the early 00’s. The league office decided to take action to prevent what it feared was a decade of sustained success in a league that was supposed to be about ‘parity’.
1.) The league’s first outbreak of HPV occurred in May of 2004: After the ’03 AFC Championship Game that saw, the sole reason Bill Polian still exists, Peyton Manning, get stymied by Ty Law and the Patriots secondary, the competition committee was infected, so they changed the emphasis of the rule. They identified the Patriots employing hand fighting with receivers and attempted to change the way the rule was enforced.
The ensuing result: The Patriots won the Super Bowl in ‘04.
2.) The league’s second outbreak of HPV began to spread in ’07: Former Patriots coach, Eric Mangini was infected when he became a member of the Patriots rival, Jets. Spygate. The NFL took away a 1st round draft pick and some money. Pats fans cried foul because, of course this was a 1-year prison sentence for a speeding ticket. All the talk about taping practices and anything else is hearsay, but what isn’t hearsay is what happened next. The outbreak was confirmed and no one was getting vaccinated anymore.
The ensuing result: The Patriots galvanized as villains nearly went 19-0. 18-1 still sucks, but let’s not act like the league’s actions helped David Tyree make the last catch of his career, they just got lucky.
3. The league’s third and most widespread case of HPV broke out in ’15: Ravens’ coach John Harbaugh was infected after Edelman hit Amendola deep. Then Deflategate. It led the evening news, this was the big one and because people had stopped taking preventative measures of rationality, they were all susceptible. Former QBs were crying on TV, ignoring the basics of the case and making huge logical leaps of conspiracy. This outbreak was supposed to destroy Belichick. (If you have the stomach for it, read what Peter King wrote at the time linked above and never defend that dude again.) Goodell went hard after the present and future, removing their current quarterback (TFB) for a quarter of the season and more picks. We don’t need to get into the specifics, but suffice-it-to-say, HPV had gotten into the brains, there was no cure…
The ensuing result: Before Goodell meted out his punishment, Malcolm Butler went (buy the mug). Super Bowl XLIX: won without weather affected balls. Finally after Peter King, Chris Mortenson and the guy-in-Indy-whose-name-I-forget-and-am-too lazy-to-look-up did the league’s bidding and slandered Brady, after the Patriots “suffered” the punishments from the league, after Brady served his suspension, the Patriots found themselves down 3-28 with 2:12 to go in the 3rd Quarter (buy the sweatshirt). James White get the extra yard, repeatedly. Super Bowl LI: won. And currently they sit, reloaded, and at least on paper, a better team than the one that just dominated the (tomato can) ’16 slate.
Roger Goodell has overseen more consequential failures: his inability to properly address Ray Rice, Adrian Peterson, Greg Hardy, and adequately respond to the very real issue of domestic violence league-wide, the fallout from a lack of player safety protocols, a growing body of debilitated former players, but the single issue that he’s spent the predominance of his reign defending is his HPV and his attempt to dismantle the Patriots Dynasty. Pending another outbreak, his attempts have been a sustained failure for nearly a decade. Antibodies like viruses adapt to counteract their affects and because of the Patriots ability to do exactly that, Roger Goodell actually helped make the Patriots stronger. Helped them identify market inefficiencies.
1. Roger Goodell taught the Patriots how to win without Brady.
When Brady was finally forced to serve the suspension, Bill Belichick and Josh McDaniels used the opportunity to see what they had in backup handsome fella, Jimmy Garoppolo. They treated him like the starter for 2 months and (whispers) discovered that he’s the second-best QB in the AFC behind Brady. Sorry, Cleveland, Belichick isn’t much of a sharer.
2. Roger Goodell also forced the Patriots how to team build without draft picks, swiping picks in ’08, ’16 and ’17.
The robot became sentient. First, he realized he could replenish the draft stash with compensatory picks, let someone overpay for your players and you get a little chip back. Then he began exploiting the restricted free agent market for WRs and RBs. Both wide receiver and running back have been draft bugaboos for the Patriots, so Belichick realized that he could get an electric field stretcher and a shifty running back on the last parts of their rookie contracts for lottery tickets. It also forced him to double down on coaching, a coach-receptive undrafted FA is just as likely to make the team as anyone else. Your draft scraps are his diamonds. All of these things have also helped him economically, the Patriots still have $20-plus million in cap space to boot.
In sum, the NFL has ironically emboldened the Patriots dynasty by trying to destroy it. They put obstacles in front of Bill and Ernie and forced them to find the market inefficiencies and because of it they’ve won two improbable, amazing, exciting, balls to the wall, sex in a public bathroom, all timers in front of Roger and the gang and they have only clear skies on the horizon…
My unsolicited advice to Roger Goodell is to seek treatment for HPV, acknowledge the sunk cost of the last decade of futility and pray that injuries wreak havoc on the team or Belichick’s retirement comes sooner rather than later. Of course it will fall on deaf ears as the commissioner is the type to double-down on 16 with the dealer showing an ace. Be forewarned, HPV will infect Park Avenue again and the league will overreach, probably by suspending Belichick for a season for failing to adequately punctuate his injury reports and we’ll all rightly freak out. But I’d venture to guess there’s already a plan in place for that eventuality —
ERNIE
(smears chest with Pig blood)
Enact “Pink Stripes” Protocol. Zombie
Belichick is live. Repeat Zombie Belichick
is LIVE!
Looking forward to seeing you on a Thursday Night in September: RAAAAAWGER, RAAAAAWGER!… And thanks.