Coffin Corner: Who Is This Imposter? and a few Half-Thoughts

In the last few weeks we’ve heard several notable conspiracy stories about disruptions happening within the Patriots locker room. The coach has reportedly restricted Tom Brady’s health guru, Alex Guerrero’s access to the locker room, which has singlehandedly thrown the Patriot Way out the window. That Brady and Belichick hate each other and the team trading Jimmy Garoppolo only exacerbated it. And the league is concerned with the Patriots ability to Jedi mindtrick Jesse James into not “surviving the ground”. Mike Florio, ProFootballTalk and the local talk shows frequently traffic in these sort of fact-ish stories..

I’m going to put the Mike Florio lens on something that will absolutely reveal a far larger conspiracy sitting right under our noses.

Something far more intriguing than some supposed rift. Something far more mysterious than any use of Ernie Adams’ ESP.  Something far more confounding than any of you ‘sheeple’ realize… and it’s been staring us right in the face. At every press conference, every podium visit and every weekly breakdown with Zo.

Let me start with the evidence:

Exhibit A: The Blue Winter Jacket that Bill Belichick wore in Buffalo on December 3rd.  According to the Hoodie Database, Bill Belichick hadn’t worn that jacket in nearly a year, seems fine, right? Buffalo in December, it’s going to be really cold, but that’s where things get interesting… here is the weather report for that game.

Partly Cloudy, High 46 degrees / Low 34, Precipitation: 10%, Humidity: 77%, Wind: 11 mph

Not exactly a blizzard.  Keep in mind, in far worse conditions last year against the Steelers, he wore a hoodie.

Did Belichick suddenly become more susceptible in the cold?  Maybe, but you’ll have to read the whole piece to see the whole picture.

Exhibit B: Bill Belichick’s press conference this week.

After being asked this question:

“Coach, would you say that Tom’s relationship with his trainer is like if your adult son’s child was hanging out with someone you really didn’t care for all that much? I mean, it’s your adult child. What are you supposed to say?”

Belichick nimbly destroyed the reporter’s attempt to investigate the controversy. It was vintage Hoodie.

“There’s a lot of pronouns there,” Belichick said. “I don’t really know who’s talking about what.”

But then something else happened and this is where it gets interesting… According to ProFootball Talk’s, Mike Florio, the man with a nose for conspiracy:

“And then Belichick smirked, said “sorry,” and walked away.”

Said Sorry?! I’ve listened to 302,213 hours of Bill Belichick press conferences and never once has he apologized for anything… never. He didn’t apologize to his mom when he broke the windows with his lacrosse ball.  He never apologizes. That’s a fact.

Exhibit C: Monday Night Football, the Dolphins put up 27 points on the Patriots defense, not that surprising with what has happened this year. Then going into the fourth quarter the Patriots trail by 17, the offense mounts a successful drive that ends with James White slipping out of the backfield and catching a 3-yard TD pass, to pull the Patriots within 10.

And what happens next defies everything we know about Bill Belichick and his coaching style. Usually after the Patriots score a touchdown, we get a grimace, a clap, or an exalted look reminiscent of a Spartan statue, but that’s not what happened here. Oh no, that’s not what happens at all.

Sean McDonough, the son of a Boston Legend who should be a legend himself after pointing out the elephant in the room on National Television.

“How about Bill Belichick? You know he can not be pleased with the way his team has played tonight, after that score “congratulating” his players.”

And he wasn’t joking. There he was:

I’ve combed through 37,436 minutes of game tape and Bill Belichick has never, not once, in all of his years coaching, congratulated his players on a successful drive. But there he was, going down the line of players, Knuck Bumps? High Fives? Even Clapping? Belichick reacts to touchdowns the same way he reacts to his daily bowl of gruel, “fine, another please”.

There’s something going on here… and at this point I think it’s fairly obvious, but let me step out the evidence: Belichick suddenly needs an extra layer in the “cold”, Belichick abruptly apologizes to a reporter for asking a stupid question, Belichick uses positive reinforcement to motivate his team. That’s not the Bill Belichick the media has ever known… and you know why, because that’s not Bill Belichick at all.

Undeniable Conclusion: Bill Belichick has been replaced by a person who looks exactly like him, a benevolent twin perhaps, a doppelgänger like in the high stakes political thriller “Dave”.

The only alternative is that Florio, King, Felger and Mazz, Volin and all of the other NFL writers misrepresent complicated  stories and relationships as insidious power grabs or arrogant threats to their subjects’ existence. And treat grown adults like high school teenagers bickering in an episode of iCarly.

Nah, I don’t buy that, it’s definitely the Dave theory.

And now a  few half-thoughts:

1. Job Posting; Super Bowl-Caliber Offensive Guru: Several times in the last few years, Josh McDaniels has missed out on head coaching opportunities because he has wanted to delay the process until his season was over, which too often is the last game in February.  Most owners are reluctant to wait this long. If you believe the NFL scuttlebutt, Louis Riddick and Josh McDaniels are a GM/Coach package deal.  Riddick interviews for the Giants GM job this week. So if he is hired before the end of the regular season, it would seem he would want to begin the process of hiring a coach immediately.  We know McDaniels loyalty to his job, his QB and his boss is why he delayed the process before, but would he really try to delay the process again? Knowing that it could result in him losing out on another job? And how does Brady react to this process, if McDaniels decides to move on, or stays, but is clearly focused on the next job.
2. Judge, Joe: I’m not sure why Joe Judge is rarely mentioned as a head coaching candidate. Special teams coaches have had some success becoming head coaches, John Harbaugh obviously being the most notable.  Judge is very young, but the Patriots have become a dominant force in the kicking game as the league has tried to shift away from the kicking game’s emphasis in play.
3. Willing To Head Coach For T-Shirts: Michael Lombardi had a few very interesting tidbits about Patricia’s candidacy on his GM Street podcast this week. One, the fact that the league essentially determines who is considered for head coaching jobs seems concerning given the state of coaching in the NFL. Two, the fact that him wearing a Pinocchio t-shirt might hurt him even after it is 100% clear that Goodell lied when the court transcripts were released.
4. Merry Brittmas: If your wondering why a first round receiver like Kenny Britt is acting like a gasping drowning victim just pulled to shore, just look at the 4 NFL head coaches he’s had and the 15 quarterbacks who have helmed his offenses over his 9-year career. Head Coaches: Jeff Fisher (TEN), Mike Munchak (TEN), Jeff Fisher again(LA/STL), John Fassel (LAR) and Hue Jackson (CLE). Quarterbacks: Vince Young, Kerry Collins, Matt Hasselbeck, Jake Locker, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Austin Davis, Shaun Hill, Nick Foles, Case Keenum, Jared Goff (under Jeff Fisher), Sean Mannion, Rusty Smith, DeShone Kizer, Kevin Hogan and Cody Kessler.  Good gravy, you wonder why he wasn’t exactly focused on football.
5. As Good As It Gets: Rooting for this team is as good as it gets and we’re all terrified it’s going to end very, very soon. I know I am at least, so let’s enjoy this run, like it’s 2001 or 2003 or 2004 or 2014 or 2016… also Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and Happy New Year!