The Seahawks have the Legion of Boom, the secondary that defines excellence in the modern NFL. The unit helmed by Earl Thomas, Kam Chancellor and Richard Sherman instills the fear of Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy on receivers on a weekly basis. The duo of safeties uses solid and technically sound acts of violence to intimidate opposing pass catchers who seek refuge over the middle of the field. It’s an impressive scheme that requires outstandingly athletic and brutal safeties and opportunistic corners to be successful. Pete Carroll has invested heavily in this unit, using almost 1/5 of his cap space on those three players. That may seem like a sustainable allocation of resources on arguably the best three players on your team, but as we saw last year they completely cratered after suffering the Earl Thomas injury because they could no longer serve their mantra “every last blade of grass” without depth at the position.
The Patriots secondary unit are waiting in the wings to take the mantle of best secondary in the NFL and Belichick spends a similar percentage of his cap on their core secondary. Though, because we’re talking about the Patriots: they employ the same amount of money roughly $18 million on FIVE core players in the defensive backfield rather than Seattle’s three stars. This unit is set to make a splash and should rival the best secondary in football and to do that they need a nickname – That’s where – huh? Do you hear that? Wait, what’s that sound?
OVER BLACK:
WHOMP WHOMP WHOMP WHOMP – The sounds of a helicopter flying overhead.
A DEEP VOICED NARRATOR BEGINS —
NARRATOR
A crack commando unit who today survives
as soldiers of fortune… If you have a problem
and no one else can help…
and if you can find them…
maybe you can hire…
Gunshots ring out that would make an assassin shit his pants —
–- BLAM — BLAM — BLAM — BLAM —
NARRATOR
…The A-Team.
OFF The swelling music —
This unit in my household will be referred to as “The A-Team”. Is that too dated a reference? Nah, there was that remake with Bradley Cooper and legendary ‘stick man’, Liam Neeson, which was… oh, yeah, that movie was horrible. Forget that. The best analogy is the original television show because B.A. Baracus was played by the one and only Mr. T.
For anyone who was alive during the A-Team’s run (I can barely lay claim to this), it was the most important television show on the planet. It was like if Cersei Lannister’s dwarf brother, Tyrion manufactured crystal meth because of a cancer diagnosis, while running the New Jersey Mob from the rural confines of North Dakota, while trying to figure out if Adnan Syed killed his girlfriend. It was the gold standard. For a few years anyway.
Let’s take a look at the dossiers of these soldiers of fortune:
Hannibal AKA Devin McCourty, #32
BIO: The Hoodie’s kind of guy, McCourty trained at Rutgers has position versatility and sees the field like the IBM computer saw the chessboard.
Training: 4 Years at New England Patriots service academy AKA Rutgers University.
Years active: 6 years of professional service.
Occupation: Field general.
Vulnerabilities: susceptible to deception because he ‘trusts his eyes’.
Elite Skills: Unit cohesion. Possesses coverage skills of a starting cornerback. Ability to identify the routes of various receivers. Can confound the opponent pretending to be his twin brother. Brains, he’s got em. Can cover TEs in if needed. Glue Guy.
Catch phrase: “Love it when coach’s gameplan comes together.”
B.A. Barackas aka Mr. T. aka Patrick Chung
BIO: A once unhappy New England Patriot, this hard-hitting safety has found a home in his return trip to Foxboro.
Training: 4 Years Oregon, 1 year School of Hard Knocks (aka Philadelphia Eagles)
Occupation: Explosives expert.
Vulnerabilities: Fake Punt decision-making. May occasionally knock himself out when delivering a hit.
Elite Skills: Coverage of elite TEs and RBs. “Roving”. Playing close to the line of scrimmage. Can detonate anything and anyone within 15 yards of the line of scrimmage. Eliminating first downs within an inchof the yard stick.
Motto: Pities fools. After receiving a tweet from a Seahawks fan that read: good luck covering (Jimmy) Graham. Chung responded: good luck finding a good seat on the couch watching us cover him. Boom! (wait, he was just talking about Seahawks fans right?)
Faceman AKA Stephon Gilmore
BIO: Nothing Belichick loves more than stealing one of Rex Ryan’s shutdown corners. This dude is like the Nigerian Prince sending you a personal email; you don’t see him for who he is until it’s too late.
Training: 4 years South Carolina, 4 years Rex Ryan shutdown cornerback.
Occupation: the con-artist.
Vulnerabilities: tackling another human.
Elite Skills: Bait and switch. The Honey Pot. Ability to murder a WR’s will to live. Blitzing. Duping overmatched QBs into hoisting interceptions. Closing on the ball. Footwork.
Howling Mad Murdock AKA Malcolm Butler
BIO: A mystery. Like El Chupacabra and the Yeti, there were rumors that an undrafted free agent cornerback roamed the practice fields of New England picking off Tom Brady day after day and then disappearing into the forests of Foxboro on game day.
Training: Some documents claim he attended University of West Alabama, others say Alcorn State University and a few internet sleuths claim he attended a community college in Raymond, MI. One problem, none of those places exist.
Occupation: Antonio Brown’s shadow.
Vulnerabilities: Lacks a conscience. Possesses multiple personalities: docile off the field, ferocious on it.
Elite Skills: Everything else. Crazy like a fox.
Catch Phrase: “Go!”
You’re thinking, wait, there are five members of the core Patriots secondary, but there were only four members of the original A-Team. That’s true, but when the A-Team’s ratings began to sag, they employed a weekly guest star, a local psychic who predicts the future or stunt casting like Jim Brown or Boy George (God, 80s TV was bizarre). Anyway the best of which was Dennis Franz who played two separate characters (seriously how much cocaine were studio executives and casting directors doing?!). Like Franz, Harmon has bigger and better things ahead of him. To the dossier.
Dennis Franz AKA The Scene-Stealer AKA Duran Harmon, #30
BIO: Another Rutgers alum, who has developed within the system. He’s about to get his first starring role (barring injury, yeeps).
Training: 4 Years at New England Patriots service academy, Rutgers University.
Occupation: Thief.
Vulnerabilities: Hopeless optimism.
Elite Skills: Hopeless optimism. Ball-hawking. Stealing games away with leaping interceptions at the end of games. Possesses high levels of ESP.
Catch Phrase: “We’re going to have the greatest comeback in history.” The man stood up in the locker room during Super Bowl 51 and got the team to buy in that the game wasn’t over. Spoiler Alert: He’s psychic.
I’m planting my flag for the “A-Team” but regardless of what the nickname is, they are going to be great. Like really great.
[…] James Conway (PatsPropaganda) Introducing ** The A-Team ** The NFL’s new best secondary. […]