In a dimly-lit, window-less room, deep in the bowels of an office building on Park Avenue, we find a man that closely resembles Professor Gerald Lambeau, disheveled, sweat dripping from his receding hairline, a cigarette resting limply on his lip. He feverishly picks up his red crayon and begins drawing something on the wall—Stick figures, a football, a physics equation.
PULL BACK to find adorning the walls are the etchings of a madman.
CATCH: To Catch a Predator ——–> Catch Me If You Can ——-> Catcher in the Rye – Reagan, Hinkley, Jodie Foster, ———> JFK?
A train of red yarn connects this to another series of notes –
TWO FEET – definition (Noun, Pl.) ——> 24 inches or dueling appendages attached to ankles”
Then another yarn string –
POSSESSION = 9/10ths of the Law!!!!!
Professor Lambeau steps back from his sprawling work to take in the sum of all of the respective parts. An equation that spans all four walls.
Eureka! He’s got it! Will Hunting and Sean the Shrink said he couldn’t do it, wasn’t smart enough, but he did. They bronze Fields medals for this type of work.
That is the only possible explanation for this definition of a “catch”:
ARTICLE 3. COMPLETED OR INTERCEPTED PASS
A player who makes a catch may advance the ball. A forward pass is complete (by the offense) or intercepted (by the defense) if a player, who is inbounds:
secures control of the ball in his hands or arms prior to the ball touching the ground; and
touches the ground inbounds with both feet or with any part of his body other than his hands; and
maintains control of the ball after (a) and (b) have been fulfilled, until he has the ball long enough to clearly become a runner. A player has the ball long enough to become a runner when, after his second foot is on the ground, he is capable of avoiding or warding off impending contact of an opponent, tucking the ball away, turning up field, or taking additional steps (see 3-2-7-Item 2).
Note: If a player has control of the ball, a slight movement of the ball will not be considered a loss of possession. He must lose control of the ball in order to rule that there has been a loss of possession.
If the player loses the ball while simultaneously touching both feet or any part of his body to the ground, it is not a catch.
Item 1. Player Going to the Ground. A player is considered to be going to the ground if he does not remain upright long enough to demonstrate that he is clearly a runner. If a player goes to the ground in the act of catching a pass (with or without contact by an opponent), he must maintain control of the ball until after his initial contact with the ground, whether in the field of play or the end zone. If he loses control of the ball, and the ball touches the ground before he regains control, the pass is incomplete. If he regains control prior to the ball touching the ground, the pass is complete.
Item 2. Sideline Catches. If a player goes to the ground out-of-bounds (with or without contact by an opponent) in the process of making a catch at the sideline, he must maintain complete and continuous control of the ball until after his initial contact with the ground, or the pass is incomplete.
Item 3. End Zone Catches. The requirements for a catch in the end zone are the same as the requirements for a catch in the field of play.
Note: In the field of play, if a catch of a forward pass has been completed, after which contact by a defender causes the ball to become loose before the runner is down by contact, it is a fumble, and the ball remains alive. In the end zone, the same action is a touchdown, since the receiver completed the catch beyond the goal line prior to the loss of possession, and the ball is dead when the catch is completed.
Item 4. Ball Touches Ground. If the ball touches the ground after the player secures control of it, it is a catch, provided that the player continues to maintain control.
Item 5. Simultaneous Catch. If a pass is caught simultaneously by two eligible opponents, and both players retain it, the ball belongs to the passers. It is not a simultaneous catch if a player gains control first and an opponent subsequently gains joint control. If the ball is muffed after simultaneous touching by two such players, all the players of the passing team become eligible to catch the loose ball.
Item 6. Carried Out of Bounds. If a player, who is in possession of the ball, is held up and carried out of bounds by an opponent before both feet or any part of his body other than his hands touches the ground inbounds, it is a completed or intercepted pass. It is not necessary for the player to maintain control of the ball when he lands out of bounds.
Oh. Jeez. I would have gone with “a player controls the ball to the ground and has two feet, a knee or another body part that isn’t a hand inbounds”, but okay.
The thing that has spawned some of the most inspired fan message boards is the referees’ enforcement of the rulebook. And when you look at how the league defines a catch (all 652 words of it) for its part-time employees – the officials – you should feel some empathy for the men in stripes. How do these older gentlemen keep more than 59,000 words in their heads at all times, while also working a second job. It’s not the officials; it’s the rules, which are so cumbersome that it’s comical. The rules are why we watch the game with apathy, anger and frustration. They are too complicated and how they are interpreted bears too much power on the outcome of games.
To hear the NFL tell it, the rulebook in all its 59,000+ word glory is a living document like the U.S. constitution (only 52,00o words longer and 200 years younger).
Throughout the history of the NFL, the custodians of the game not only have protected its integrity, but also have revised its playing rules to make the contests fairer, safer and more entertaining.
First of all, congrats to the custodians for 96 years of work that still has an insufficient definition for one of the basic tenets of the game. Kudos. The NFL rulebook is a living document that complicates a game that we all intuitively understand. So we need to get rid of some of this garbage. But let’s start by laying out a basic structure for the rule book.
- Put penalties into 4 distinct categories:
a. “Minor” infractions are violations of the basic rules before the snap: offsides, false start, illegal formation, delay of game, etc. (punishment: 5 yards, replay down)
b. “Competitive” infractions are violations of rules after the snap: offensive holding, defensive holding, offensive pass interference, defensive pass interference, etc. (punishment: 10 yards, replay down)
c.“Conduct” infractions are violations of conduct rather than competition: personal fouls, roughing the passer, face mask, horsecollar, chopblock, taunting, tripping, etc. (punishment: 15 yards, automatic 1st down)
d.“Excessive Conduct” infractions are conduct violations that are extreme or egregious in nature: deliberate helmet-to-helmet hits, punches, touching a ref, etc. (Punishment: 15 yards and player ejection)
That’s it. All penalties fall into these four categories. No more of this Article 64, Rule 12, B, (please read related to Section D12.)
- Offsetting Penalties only when the math works out that way.
Just because the people in the NFL hate math (and science) shouldn’t allow them to equate a “helmet-to-helmet hit” with an “illegal formation”.
Any “Excessive Conduct” penalty like helmet to helmet hit, striking a ref or throwing punches trumps any other call on the field (a veto of any other fouls on the play).
Then use math for the other parts. An offensive holding penalty (10 yards) vs. defensive offsides (5 yards) equals… bear with me, 10 minus 5, would…carry the … … Got it. A 5-yard penalty on the offense, replay the down. If it’s apples to apples, 5 yards offsides and 5 yards for illegal formation, fine, they should offset because, well, because math.
In what other part of life do two unequal wrongs get treated equally? If a drunk motorist intentionally mows down a pedestrian jaywalking, cops don’t show up and go, “well, sir we have offsetting offenses here. You clearly murdered this person, but… I mean, they committed a crime too.” (wipes their hands) “Nothing more we can do. You’re free to go.”
3. Every deliberate helmet-to-helmet hit is an automatic ejection, subject to suspension (1 game, 4 games or the full Season, depending on severity).
Current officials (not including #neverref Dean Blandino, head of officiating) in New York should review the plays in real time to determine whether they deem it deliberate. Boom. Done. And allow them to do it retroactively, if someone sees Suh intentionally stomp a QB after the next snap. When the foul is discovered, he’s expelled.
We’ve watched the league try to fix this issue by trimming around the edges, but let’s fix the damn problem and maybe they won’t have soccer moms who don’t want their kids playing football.
And, no, “straw man fans”, the point isn’t to eject tacklers who go in for a tackle correctly and end up spearing a receiver who ducks their head at the last minute. That’s why it’s reviewable.
Sorry to the folks who think this makes the league soft, but we don’t have public executions anymore either.
- “Unsportsmanlike conduct” needs a massive reworking. Here are 4 reasons this rule is dumb.
Reason #1 it’s dumb: The rule currently is so broad, it includes 4 articles, the first of which includes 24 separate rules (letter a-x) with several “if, thens” for each. It’s like 50 or 60 different permutations. This all-encompassing nonsense includes: threatening and shoving players, refs and league officials; illegal time-outs, illegal substitutions; punters faking injury, and like a 100 rules about appropriate lining up to block field goals (including goaltending). Really, we’re lumping this into sportsmanship?
Reason #2 it’s dumb: Goaltending would be AWESOME!! It puts the blocking team at an extreme disadvantage, only rushing 10. But imagine watching Jamie Collins timing his 41.5 vertical leap to steal back a kick?! Talk about No Fun League. Oh and…
Reason #3 it’s dumb: Celebrations are fun. It’s a little more than ironic that the NFL, which makes Kim Jung Un’s self-celebration seem humble, has 6 separate rules to restrict excessive enthusiasm about its own sport by its employees. I’m not the first person to take issue with the No Fun League, but 25% of Sec. 3, Art. 1 of the rulebook (6/24 rules) is devoted to celebrations. No “home run swings… machine-gun salutes… excessive gyrations… sexually-suggestive gestures.”
I’ve got a quicker definition: “15 yards for anything that you might see in a Nelly video, cept them girls in bikinis, we got that shit.” Does Roger Goodell watch “Footloose” and think John Lithgow is the protagonist? Let’s let the players celebrate. Broom it all! Sorry, Joe.
Reason #4 it’s dumb: If a celebration delays the game, throw a 5-yard delay of game. But what delays the game more than an official throwing a flag, walking over to pick it up, talking to the head ref for 15 seconds and announcing the penalty will be taken after the kick off?
- Intentional Grounding: 4 Reasons it’s dumb.
This might be a total homer rule change because I’m still salty about the intentional grounding call in the Super Bowl.
I get why it exists, but it’s so brutal and dumb. I think it could be salvaged, but here are my issues.
Reason #1 it’s dumb: A pocket has left and right boundaries: the tackles pre-snap, but not a depth boundary. So if a QB runs all the way back to his end-zone and throws it back to the line of scrimmage, he’s still within the pocket, even though everyone else is 40 yards away from him.
Reason #2 it’s dumb: Why the LOS? Because it’s an arbitrary demarcation in the midst of an arbitrary rule.
Reason #3 it’s dumb: Making the rule less debilitating could maybe help limit the amount of helmet-to-helmet hits on QBs because they’d throw the ball away quicker. I mean, you know, if you’re into that sort of thing. Player safety and whatnot.
Reason #4 it’s dumb: the punishment, no other rule is treated this way. The play concludes with the assumption of a sack: loss of yardage and loss of down. It portends that we could see an alternate reality that can only end in a sack. I understand this notion if you’re in the clutches of a defender going to the ground But that’s not what the rule stipulates or how it is enforced.
Also, why is a safety granted when a QB throws it away in the endzone, but on Defensive Pass interference the team only gets to the 1 yard line?! Why don’t they get a touchdown? Explain that, people calling me a homer!
- PI: Offensive and Defensive PI (and Holding) should be treated the same.
No one has ever explained why they are different. In my NFL rulebook, we’d have 2 versions of offensive and defensive PI:
a. Competitive violation (10 yards) where two players are hand fighting and the receiver or defender is interfered with.
b. Conduct penalty (O: 15 yards, auto 1st down; D: 15 yards) where a player commits an intentional penalty: tripping a player or shoving a player to ensure they can’t make a play.
Either way, no more spot of the foul garbage. It’s 10 or 15 yards. Also I’d encourage officials to note when both players are committing penalties. How many times does hand fighting get called on the defender when both are doing it? Why pick a side?
- No More Selective Enforcement. If it’s in the book, it’s law.
In the preseason, the league tells officials to highlight specific rules that they want to enforce. If you’re not going to call things in the rulebook then get rid of them. Everything should be called all the time. Now the 60-year-old, part-time zebras with deteriorating memories are supposed to remember stuff they don’t have to enforce? C’mon.
Anyway, for a league that constantly fights outside regulation, it’s high time for some deregulation on the field for the NFL.
