I’m writing you this exactly 25 years in the future on Sept 23, 2042. I know you’re thinking, “The year 2042 is only 25 years away!” That’s what I thought back then when I first read this piece that I’d written 25 years later from the future. Mind-Plosions aside, I’m sending this into the past as a warning to Bob McNair, if you’re reading this, this is mostly a scouting report to let you know what your future will be if you continue down this path, like the future ghost from the Bill Murray classic Christmas tale, Scrooged.
And before we get to the game between the “Gillette-Samsung Razorblade TVs” Patriots and the “Houston’s Steak” Texans (not that it should be that surprising, but teams no longer represent states or localities, they represent corporate entities) let me catch you up on what’s been going on around the NFL over the last quarter-century.
The good news: here in 2042, there is NFL labor peace. After a 2-year players’ strike that devastated much of the NFL’s stranglehold on American viewers, DeMaurice Smith negotiated a 99-year CBA in exchange for mandatory foot massages for every player after every game. In order to get this necessary concession, Smith was forced to negotiate away the players’ medical benefits, salaries and helmets. MMQB Scribe Peter King called the historic agreement a “Win-Win”.
The bad news: in 2036, Jerry Jones’s disembodied head… oh right, you don’t know about “the accident”. So Jones wanted a state of the art Gillette-Samsung’s razor TV over Cowboy stadium — yada-yada-yada — they saved his head. That’s the good news, the bad news is that Jerra’s disembodied head negotiated a league sponsorship deal with Ground Thurkey (a soy-based sludge food product) whose slogan was “Grind out on the Ground”. Ground Thurkey CEO, Elon Musk, was so disgusted by the fact that the offensive play calling in a 2038 game between the Falcons and Packers ran contrary to his corporate interests that he sued the league for violating article 213 of the aforementioned 2022 C.B.A. Article 213 stipulates:
Any coach engaging in activities enjoyable to a fan that league’s owners find unable to monetize will be subject to public hanging.
At the hearing Federal Judge and, forever NFL commissioner, Roger Goodell, oversaw the case citing no conflict of interest. Goodell found for Musk, remanding that all NFL plays must be running plays in accordance with Ground Thurkey’s ad campaign. Goodell then ordered the hangings of all NFL coaches, with the only exceptions made for the Biscotti, Mara and Rooney families, so John Harbaugh (still looks the same), Mike Tomlin (still looks the same) and Giants Coach, Tom Coughlin (he still looks the same and he’s back in blue, sadly for two more Patriots Super Bowls!) are all still coaching.
Speaking of Goodell, he also oversaw the league-wide transfer of all player personnel to genetically engineered creations in a laboratory. He was so sick of players getting CTE that he ordered the creation of clones, cyborgs and robots to play his game. Some thought that would be an end to Roger Goodell’s disciplinary inconsistency, though rest assured, His Excellency still suspends robots of color disproportionately longer than their white peers for the same offenses. Judge Goodell also oversaw the game’s ratings uptick after a 15 year long decline, when the NFL instituted nation-wide mandatory nano-technology embedded in their frontal cortex of the brain after child birth.
What else? There were a few nuclear wars, but not with the folks you think (I’m looking at you, Canada!) then we had the visit from the aliens (don’t worry, they left, turns out Scientology was spot on), and Ezekiel Elliot’s appeal is still pending.
Now that you’re caught up, today is Sept. 23, 2042, the Kraft-owned Patriots are going up against the McNair-owned Texans this weekend and it’s time to measure the tape.
Now of course it is Jonathan Kraft Jr. who runs the team, but Jonathan and Robert’s cryogenically distilled body still attend games in the family suite, sending emoji messages to each other on their cell phones when the two are caught on the National Broadcast (yeah, we still have cell phones even though the internet is on a chip in our heads, weird.)
Bill Belichick, your beloved Hoodie, was elected president with his “Shut Up and Do Your Job” campaign in 2024 coming back from 25 electoral votes with only 17 minutes remaining in the polls, the Krafts found a successor to him on the sidelines, well, sort of. They determined that his progeny were like the PreCogs in Minority Report: Steve, Brian and Amanda Belichick have been isolated in a tub of goo since 2024 and have run the team to a record 33 straight AFC East titles.
The leader of the Patriots offense a Robot QB named TB-1200, has exploited the new run-only system to his benefit, plowing through the line of scrimmage on nearly every down despite the fact that the defense knows it’s coming. TB-1200’s primary weapon on offense is GRONKTOCTOPUS, the only non-robotic in the league. GRONKTOCTOPUS was created at a theme park off the coast of South America that was experimenting with reanimated DNA of ancient prehistoric animals. Prior to coming to the Pats, he decimated several cities.
On the other side, Bob McNair, yeah, he’s still running the team behind those super cool aviators. McNair has struggled for going on 4 decades now to find the Texans’ future at the quarterback position.
To catch you up, since the 2017 season when you’re reading this, Bill O’Brien goes on to coach rookie QB DeShaun Watson to an 8-8 record. Despite this relative success, McNair then continues to blame Bill O’Brien for the contract that McNair and his GM preemptively offered Brock Osweiler, costing the team $37 Million and a 2nd round pick. Despite O’Brien’s lack of input or knowledge of the move, McNair continued to insist on his responsibility for it. The following offseason, McNair and Smith traded Watson and their 2018 1st round pick for JJ Watt’s brother, TJ, because it seemed cool.
Since 2017, McNair has hired and fired 29 coaches, most notably, Marvin Lewis (Tenure: January – March 2018), Matt Patricia (Tenure: 2020-2022, no games coached due to strike), and even tried co-coaches Rob and Rex Ryan (Tenure: Tuesday Nov. 12th 2026).
Despite the Texans struggles to find a coach and QB, McNair did retain continuity at GM. He was quoted at the Davos annual meeting of trillionaires saying, “The greatest way to build a roster in the National Football League is to have a GM that listens to ownership and not coaches.” The 37-year tenure of Rick Smith has been marked with splashy free agent acquisitions that are subsequently unloaded with draft picks in salary dumps. Smith has also used several high draft picks on David Carr’s children and after a Tony Robbins seminar he was inspired to sign multiple golf caddies at their local golf club to compete for the job in the thinking that if they believed hard enough, they could actualize their dreams. The team’s consistency has resulted in several division titles with 8-10 records (yeah, Goodell finally got his 18 game season) in the annually putrid AFC South. In fact, the Texans have posted 8-10 tallys for 22 straight seasons, a record.
McNair finally hit on a strategy when he designed a roster of cyborgs with 100% Watt Family DNA. This roster construction has led to the Texans possessing the league’s most elite defense, devastating opponents’ offenses with their big play tackling. Unfortunately the team has not had the same success on offense, due to a glitch in the Watt robots, every offensive play call results in a self-inflicted throttling loss of yardage. Watt DNA will not allow an offense to gain yards.
Despite their struggles on offense, Bob McNair insists he still has confidence in Texans coach, “Scoopy McGee”, Bob McNair’s hand puppet, citing his hope that Scoopy can get on the same page as his offense before season’s end.
In short, this is a small reminder that even in 2042 everything has changed, really, nothing has changed. Enjoy the game. P.S. It’ll be a blood bath.
