Chapter 1 (of 22): “The Suspension Begins”
1. The NFL loves “The’s”. We’re relentlessly reminded of The Catch, The Comeback, The Fumble, The Drive, The Commissioner and now, they have added another “The” to their pantheon of the absurd and miraculous: The Suspension. (That link courtesy of the great, Fitzy).
It’s been hanging over our heads like the ‘light’ that popped up on the dashboard a month ago, only if the future of humanity was at stake not a new transmission. As the tacky, trolling ESPN clock counts down to the moment when TB12 races out of the tunnel with two baby lambs in his hands and revs the engine of the New England Patriots suped-up offense. So let’s pull into the service station, get rid of the “glowing wrench” and move on to football.
Speaking of wrenches, when Brady’s story is told, starring Matt Damon, they can just insert this footage to tell the story of his suspension negotiations:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8sCWkBPML4E
‘He put three punishments on the table: the 4-game suspension, a game, or a public confession.’
As George Herbert brilliantly said: “The best revenge is living well.” So let’s live well. Also let’s take some Goddamn revenge! Here’s how we start:
2. The “Competition Committee” Revenge tour rolls on. During the last few years, the list of enemies was long, but now we’re really down to four: The Colts, The Ravens, ESPN and the League Office. Now where do we put our rooting interest for these folks? Lions @ Colts: I will forever root for Irsay, Grigson and the Colts to get what’s coming to them. Already banged-up, they will line up against the unblinking Lions (no, seriously, the last time Jim Caldwell blinked was when Peyton Manning playfully dangled his junk in his face after Caldwell insisted that he was going to be calling the plays for the Colts). Go Lions, also there are enough Patriots cast-offs for me to have a rooting interest. Bills @ Ravens: The Skunk Harbaugh-led Ravens aren’t getting a lot of ink, despite their “elite” quarterback at the helm and their going up against the Brothers Ryan. As the city of Buffalo sours on Rex’s blather, I can’t help but feel some measure of empathy, so I’m rooting for– That doesn’t feel right, if a tie is like kissing your sister or your long haired sibling, then I’m rooting for that. I’m rooting for a tie. As for the commish… Jim Podanoffsky said it best. Root for that guy in everything he does. As for ESPN, Rams vs. 49ers should only interest Todd Gurley fantasy owners, you all get a free pass, but the rest of us don’t need to stay up late for that trash.
3. Hot Takes are back: “Tom Brady will lose his job”, “Gronkowski is on the trade block”, “Jimmy Garoppolo is the next coming”, “Jimmy Garoppolo is trash”, “Don’t watch Monday Night Football in some dumb protest (wait, what?),” “Martellus Bennett is actually Marcellus Wallace from Pulp Fiction”, we’ll hear it all. The season is short, the pool is luke and the takes are hot. (Check out Pats Propaganda podcast if you need some laughs and insight). Just remember: We’re having fun, let’s have fun, this is supposed to be fun!!!!
4. The Utility Knife Offense: Nearly every player on the Patriots can do multiple things well, whether it’s outstanding work in the kicking game or the receiving and (run and pass) blocking stable at tight end or the former college QB, current top-5 WR who can throw bombs on the double pass. This should help take some of the heft off of Jimmy Garoppolo‘s shoulders. Two TE Formations will be a central focus of the offense all season long as the team has allocated 4 roster spots to TEs (along with Develin as a sort of H-Back and traditional FB). The long and short of it is that the history of Patriots offense when they have the best TE of all time and a pro-bowl level talent next to him (RIP Odin Lloyd, Daniel Jorge Coreia de Abreu and Safiro Teixeria Furtado) is it opens up the rushing attack. We all know about the heralded members of the Arizona secondary, but the defense is susceptible to quick backs in the passing game, so I’d look for White to get us to the one-yard line, a skill he’s perfected, so that Blount can punch it in.
5. The Foster Family (™ pending) vs. the White Boyz (patented by Mike Dussault). DJ Foster has been adopted into the Family now that he earned his spot on the roster because he was going to get scooped up like a lake during fire season. But he can really help this running attack become more dynamic. It will be interesting to see if he gets any run early in the season without a White injury, given his dynamism and unique skill set. He can stop on a dime. And then throw himself into a tackle, churning his legs in the scrum, he reminds me a lot of a bigger Danny Woodhead. I can just hear Charles S. Dutton looking at him as he watched practice: “You’re 5-feet nothin’, a 100 and nothin’, and you got hardly a scrap of— oh wait, did you just do shuttles so fast that I didn’t see your legs move? Oh yeah, you made the team. Good job, kid. How’d you not get drafted?”
6. Return of Chandler Jones and the curse of the Synthetic Marijuana: I’m sure it also had to do with his contract and the fact that the Patriots could get picks by moving him early, but the incident had to be a red flag. I don’t think ‘The Shield’ (another The) needs to rule players’ lives, they should be able to go out when they’re not working, but if you’re getting so banged up during the playoffs that you’re walking shoeless and shirtless to the police station begging for medical attention, you ain’t doing “fun” right. I am looking forward to watching him get too deep in his pass rush only to realize Jimmy Garoppolo just stepped up in the pocket and delivered a strike.
7. This defense. As excited as I am about the game five weeks from now, this is where the 2016 season starts and ends: this… freaking… defense. It is the most athletic defense that the New England Patriots have ever had. In contrast to the Broncos who like to thump, this will be like watching a coalition of cheetahs chase down their prey (that’s the real term for a group of cheetahs and I love it). I rub my hands together in excitement looking at the following names: Donta’ Hightower, Jamie Collins, Barkevious Mingo, Shea McClellin, Trey Flowers, Chris Long, Malcom Brown, Malcolm Butler, Patrick Chung, Devin McCourty, Alan Branch and Logan Ryan (not to mention: Sheard, Anthony Johnson, Cyrus Jones, and Ninkovich when he’s healthy/unsuspended). OOOH BOY! The only thing I’d be concerned about if I’m Belichick is the amount of energy expended and the risk of injury for celebrating strip sacks.
8. The Wrinkles: Give a man a week to prepare and he has a gameplan, give him 6 months and he has a bible full of wrinkles. I’m glad the first game of the year isn’t against the Jets or Steelers, but someone as unpredictable and innovative as Arians. Professor Hoodie has been in the lab all summer and emerged with as speedy a defense as I can remember. And it will be strength against strength as he will have to go up against one of the speediest offenses (and defenses) in the Arizona Cardinals. David and Chris Johnson, to a lesser extent, are quick-to-the-hole explosive backs and the compliment of receivers John and Jalen Brown and Michael Floyd will try to get behind the defense, I’d expect the secondary to have its hands full. Not to mention Larry Fitzgerald will be floating in the middle. Will Belichick use Chung or Collins or McClellin in coverage to defend Fells or Fitzgerald? I dunno. Some cool wrinkles are coming, get excited. And on the other side, there’s a man who’s also playing chess.
9. “Kasparov vs. Deep Blue”. Wait, I’m pretty sure Belichick is the computer in this analogy, but Deep Blue didn’t fair well against Kasparov. How about just “Belichick vs. Anti-Belichick (but also sorta like Belichick)”, it’s wordy and cumbersome, I like it. I also like Bruce Arians, he’s refreshing, his players play hard for him, he’s sort of the wild crazy uncle of the NFL: off the cuff, weird, aggressive, likes his fashion, and generally regarded as a smart coach. In personality, he is the antithesis of Bill Belichick, who has zero interest in publicly stating a personal opinion about anything other than Bud Wilkerson’s early incarnation of the 3-4 defensive formation. Arians is the opposite, he likes to talk, sometimes stupidly, and the other thing he likes to do is… Blitz. Also at times, stupidly. Like this time:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-HaVotL3nGA
Another way they differ is the way they treat preseason play, in stark contrast to Belichick’s style. Arizona’s starters got little mileage on them in the preseason, so they’re fresh in September. There’s an interesting debate going on, whether the punishment of preseason helps or hurts these athletes as they prepare. So keep your eye out for muscle spasms and hamstrings, especially with how fast the Cardinals like to play, there will be a few Cardinals players who pull up like a deer shot in the wild. Also worth mentioning with regards to Amendola and Gronkowski (already limited by a Hammy) who will be out there without many game speed reps. Take your time stretching, boys and hydrate.
10. NE Defense vs. ARI Offense. Like Pete Carroll, Arian’s offense is run like a Madden game played on easy. Long passing plays featuring beautiful arcing bombs from Carson Palmer, chunk yardage in the running game from David Johnson and attacking, always attacking. One problem with this style, is it often leads to turnovers. The only 2015 playoff teams with more turnovers in the regular season were the Broncos (because Peyton Manning) and the Steelers. Arizona’s offense turned the ball over: 24 times last season, that’s a lot. And in the playoff loss to the Panthers, they turned it over six times. This Patriots Defense is ballhawking as all get out and they will definitely need to turn them into points to be competitive. Remember the words: Malcolm Go!! Belichick feasts on the overeager, maybe not every play, maybe not every down, “bend but don’t break” is the slogan we use, but in the long run, he will get you. Arians may dial it back, but pride has a funny way of rearing its ugly head.
11. Jimmy Garoppolo’s first meaningful NFL drive. This baby is going to be scripted tighter than an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, with Josh McDaniels doing his best Kris Jenner impersonation. Garoppolo will be put in a position to succeed, so what will be tested is the level and ability for him to execute within the offense. Arians will try to confuse him, but at least initially, the charted plays will provide us a decent guide to how the Patriots gameplan with him behind David Andrews.
12. Football’s back. Let’s all lose our minds for a little bit and enjoy it!