Let me start by saying: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
The Patriots got beat by Alex Smith.
Yes, Kareem Hunt and yes, the Chiefs and yes, Andy Reid, who previously prompted two overused soundbytes: “Tom Brady’s just not good anymore” and “We’re on to Cincinnati” (my least favorite of the Hoodie catchphrases). So I’m not saying FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! because they lost to the Chiefs. That’s fine, Andy Reid is as competitive with Belichick as Tom Coughlin was. The loss isn’t a problem, even welcome, if it focuses the team and pushes them to come together.
The reason I am saying FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! is Alex Smith. Alex Smith, the dink and dunk QB, who had a career 61% completion percentage. Alex Smith, the number 1 pick who has never amounted to that value, who had only 1 game with 4+ TDs in 142 Regular Season games. Alex Smith, who was being challenged by a rookie for his starting job in training camp, who had only two games ever where he amassed more than 311 yards. That Alex Smith torched the Patriots defense for 368 yards, 4 TDs, 80% Comp %, 148.6 Rating.
That Alex Smith is why I’m saying: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
For all the jackass talk of 19-0, the lackluster state of the AFC East, and the “dream team” of new weapons that the offense had amassed, one thing was given little attention, their schedule is a murderers row of QB play. This Now-15 game regular season will be a series of boss-level stress tests on a passing defense that will force Dan Shaughnessy to finally relinquish his lazy annual Tomato Cans mad libs article. Alex Smith was, like, the 8th best QB on the Patriots 2017-18 schedule and he looked like an assassin trained in the art of war.
Whether or not the offense can match it is a question for another post, but this season is going to be hell for the Patriots defense and Matt Patricia and the Hood Man himself. Each opponent will be harder than the next and the Patriots defense has already been wounded. My hope is that like Beatrix, Uma Thurman’s “bride” hellbent on revenge in the classic Quentin Tarantino films, Kill Bill, Vols. 1 & 2, this is a result of a coma induced by their latest Super Bowl celebration, otherwise “Do Your Job 3: Blitz for Six” is going to be a short movie.
To put this in murderous perspective, I placed the QBs that the Patriots are (likely) going to face into tiers equating them to members of the Deadly Viper Assassin Squad that Beatrix had to slice her way through if she wanted to get to her ultimate goal… killing the head of the snake, Bill.
Like the two Quentin Tarantino revenge flicks, this list is out of sequential order and we start with the training ground.
Buck, the “Pussy Wagon” Owner Tier
13. Whoever the Jets QB (Week 6, Week 17)
12. Trevor Simeon (Week 10)
Like Glass Joe in Mike Tyson’s punchout, this is level 1 tutorial type combat (we think). As long as McCourty and Boomtower (buy the t-shirt) can slip out of comas induced by these two’s poor quarterback-play, Simeon and [insert Jets QB here] should provide little resistance. Though Simeon looked decent in his first game, the Broncos will be a team that relies on everything but the QB. Also these three games could be the most satisfying victories on the Patriots schedule, beating two (former?) rivals by a few TDs.
Codename: Copperhead aka Vernita Green Tier
11. DeShaun Watson (Week 3)
10. Jay Cutler (Week 12, Week 14)
9. Tyrod Taylor (Week 13, Week 16)
The Patriots defense will be bringing grenades to these knife fights. Watson is a complete unknown and Belichick typically owns rookie QBs, which makes his appearance in this tier a slight upgrade. I just don’t think he deserves to be in the Buck category because we don’t know. Cutler and Taylor, provide the risk/reward compunction of degenerate gamblers, both don’t expect to live past tomorrow so why not double down on every hand until 6 AM and the casino is either escorting them out or comping you the Rain Man suite. The Patriots defense that showed up on Thursday night may be susceptible to this kind of boom or bust attack, but ultimately this is the end of easy foes.
Codename: Sidewinder aka “Budd” Tier:
8. Alex Smith (Week 1, L 42-27, 368 yards, 4 TDs, 80% Comp %, 148.6 Rating)
7. Philip Rivers (Week 8)
Like Budd, both of these seasoned vets have taken to living lives on the outskirts of town living in trailers, lone quarterbacks on their teams for decades, everything around them changes and yet they survive. Philip Rivers isn’t an easy out and we just saw what Smith could do. What makes Michael Madson’s portrayal of Budd fierce isn’t his expertise, it’s his brutality and his lack of remorse. Both of these vets make it hard, like Budd they’re crafty. Budd will bury you alive, much like Smith just did. Budd will also shoot you with Rock salt in the chest, like Rivers when the Pats are up 10 with four minutes to go and just hanging on by a thread.
Budd didn’t die at the hands of our hero, he died at the hands of the next-level of assassin…
Codename: California Mountain Snake aka Elle Driver Tier
6. Jameis Winston (Week 5)
5. Derek Carr (Week 11)
These two are the next generation of potential MVP QBs. Like the one-eyed psycho, Elle Driver they have their eye(s) on one thing: unseating Tom Brady and taking his throne. They are very different QBs but both are ascending quickly and Carr would have won the MVP had he not been hurt last year. The Raiders pose a real challenge to the Patriots getting the No. 1 seed and Winston will provide a difficult match-up with his unique skill set. I’m starting to get nervous and we still have 4 more QBs left…
Codename: Cottonmouth aka O-Ren Ishii Tier
4. Drew Brees (Week 2)
3. Ben Roethlisberger (Week 15)
Like O-Ren Ishii’s Crazy 88, these two vets have offenses that are stacked with weapons that will come at you in tsunami-like waves. It’s pretty shocking that two of the best QBs in the league over the last decade-plus aren’t even in our highest tier. It’s also shocking that neither of these guys have won an MVP, probably because Peyton Manning‘s PEDs took them away. Anyway these are the cream of the crop in the NFL and they excelled at the highest levels and their not even the best two QBs the Pats will face… FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
Codename: The Snake Charmer AKA Bill
2. Cam Newton (Week 4)
1. Matt Ryan (Week 7)
Yes, the Patriots have to face the last two MVP award winners in Cam Newton and Matt Ryan.
The analogy gets a bit confusing now that we have Bill as a villain. The good news is that Ryan lost his guru offensive coordinator Kyle Shanahan, the bad news is he looked like last year’s MVP in the first week of the season and those boys will be out for blood after 28-3. Newton’s season last year was a disappointment but Newton’s new piece in the the backfield, Christian McCaffrey, should be settled in by week 4 and Newton’s a bull in the run game and can throw the ball downfield. He’s terrifying. This is all terrifying.
It will take a deftly delivered five-finger death grip to beat both these QBs. And as for the rest of them, it’s going to be next to impossible to run the slate with what we’ve just witnessed. It’s always a work in progress, but when Budd can get the best of you, you don’t have much chance against his brother, Bill.
For all of those saying, “don’t panic”, I’m saying: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! Of course, Bill Belichick and his defense are saying: Bring it on!