Last night, I had a tragic Eureka moment. Something popped into my head, right before it hit the pillow, quickly shared it with my wife, thought okay, I will write about this tomorrow and hit the sack. But then I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t get rid of it. It just hung there, a terrible thought, a stressful idea. So here we are. This is how I write at 4 o’clock in the morning. Not great so far, I have to admit.
At the beginning of this season, I wrote about LaGarrette Blount being a 1,000-yard rusher because of the offensive design and Marty Bennett and I thought that was a hot take. At the time, it seemed to be. The truth is, it was just right. And I worry that what you’re about to read, might be just right as well, which terrifies me. That is why I’m up writing this as my mutt Beagle, Wally, snores by my side. This idea, this ear worm, this feeling is so powerful that it is literally keeping me up at night.
I haven’t heard any real mention of it. Nothing on Twitter. No recent articles. Somehow even Shannon Sharpe and Skip Bayless haven’t stumbled upon it in their daily word jumble. Forget idea, ear worm, feeling or take, what you’re about to read is a theory, a theory so mind-erasingly simple you will wonder how Tomato Can Shaughnessy hasn’t made it into an annual column. You will wish you’d never heard this simple theory (no real conspiracy to it, sorry, Roger), but it will stalk you like the STD in “It Follows” and you will feel obligated for your own sanity to make nice with the next person you see, in order to pass it along and keep this awful, terrible theory at bay. But it’s coming.
WARNING: This theory may cause chest pain, migraines, anxiety. In rare cases, this theory may lead you to question everything you hold dear. 100% of recipients report unexplained loss of vision, hearing, and speech due to the alcohol consumed as a result of this theory. “No, you’re an alchawlic, you ever think about that?! Huh? You crazy rabbit,” will become your goto phrase to wife and children alike after every Patriots game as a result of this theory.
All right, enough of the build-up, here it is: I think we’re more than halfway through the last season of the Hoodie. There I’ve said it. I think 2016-2017 season will be Belichick’s last.